Munchies: An unpretentious, horrifyingly-unhealthy sandwich of the gods

munchies

I’m always a little embarrassed when I order Munchies. You’d be hard pressed to think of an unhealthier place to order from, short of Macdos and the like. And I’m an adult. I should know better. When caught, it’s one of those things that you mumble, and then add a qualifier to, and then quickly change the subject entirely.

‘What’s that?’

‘Oh I ordered munchies. I just got back from a run, so yea. Also I donated blood earlier, right after I helped an old woman carry her groceries. So how are your grandparents? … Dead? Oh my god they got hit by an asteroid? Wow. Well at least we’re not talking about how often I eat munchies anymore.’

To add a little more nuance to my relationship with Munchies, I’ll direct your attention to the screenshot below. This, I swear, is what Munchies has been saved in my phone as for over a year. It was not part of this post.

Munhies

So yea that’s basically what ordering Munchies is like: admitting to yourself that you are, indeed, a weak-minded creature who lacks the decision making capacity to make healthy decisions. Because Munchies is disgusting and doesn’t even pretend to be anything else. I’m proud of you, Munchies, just for being you.

Let’s do a blow by blow of the ingredients (just for fun!):

Mojo roasted pork: Mojo! What’s mojo? Whoknos! I’m all for it.

Smoked ham: Why? Because ham.

Swiss cheese: More like yesplease, amirite guys?!

Thinly sliced pickle: (Dick joke!) LOL!

Yellow mustard: Once you’re done, and there’s mustard all over your hands, you can smear it on your face like war-paint. For free. A serious value add, because I spent a ton of money on mustard war-paint until I realized how much I could save on mustard war-paint by ordering Munchies every meal of the day. Also I’m fat now.

Pressed Cuban bread: Is it imported? Because actually it just tastes like a middle-of-the-road white sub that’s been covered in butter and grilled on both sides. Which is awesome.

Bonus mayo: They don’t mention this on the menu, but there’s also mayo on that fucker. Also doubles as war-paint if you are in the antarctic or whatever.

So that’s how it all goes down, and it’s almost always damn good. Sometimes the delivery dudes are mad slow due to the high volume of disgusting lazy people in Shanghai, and the sandwich is a little on the old side when it’s gets to you, but again, you’ve ordered Munchies and you are disgusting, so it’s not really that big of a deal to eat an old ham sandwich, now is it? Get over yourself; you are disgusting.

They also offer extra meat, if you’re feeling extra repulsive, which I usually am. Anyway, I’ve been ordering the Munchies cubano for like two years now and there’s no sign that anything short of a massive myocardial infarction will have any impact on this.

I award Munchies Four Ham Hocks and Two Pig Ears out of Five Possible Ham Hocks, because unlike most places around Shanghai, they don’t have their pretentious heads shoved up their pretentious, puckered assholes, and because the sandwich satisfies my worst dietary impulses.

Munchies, I am yours.

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