Vespa knockoff that will knock your socks off

scooter

I sold my scooter. I wrote a craigslist ad. This is it. I present it here as a testament to – and a memory of – the love we shared. 

I’m selling my wonderful electric scooter. She’s a real well-loved beaut. It’s tearing me up inside.

If she’s such a devoted and lovely companion, why am I selling her, you say, skeptical Craigslist user? (Great first question! Buyer beware, it’s a wild world out there.)

Well, pal/miss, I’ll tell you. It’s because I can’t charge it at my new apartment. The old guy on the first floor that lives across the alley said I could use his outlet, but only when he was home, so I dunno, nice of him and all, but sounds kind of mafan, right? So yea. I’ve gotta find her an owner who can love her right. It’s a real gosh darn shame, because me and her, man, we just got along great. She brought me places I never thought I’d go, like Jing’an (barf).

The skinny on the ol’ girl? Well, like I said, she’s been well loved. Lots of scratches on her hips from going in and out of my old basement. (When you think about it this is actually a bonus, because you know how you kind of look like a douchebag with a shiny new scooter? Right? You know what I’m saying. With this one, you will only look as douchey as you normally look, so I don’t know, maybe pretty douchey? I don’t know you.)

But she runs like a charm. She’s like a varsity women’s lacrosse player – a real sturdy broad, big thick thighs you just want to grab onto while watching Rocky or whatever. She’ll fit you and your significant other/M1NT skank no problem, unless you’re a gay Australian rugby bro and your boyfriend is also, in which case you’ll probably break her back if you try and tag team her, so please don’t buy her and ride her to Shanghai Brewery in the middle of the day to get hammered with your homies after which you and six of your closest friends would ride her straight into Hell forevermore. She deserves better than death-by-ripped-rugby-dudes.

She has the extra battery option and total drive time is about 2 hours if you’re not revving the throttle like you’re goddamn Vin Diesel or a taitai on the way to a 50% off sale at the Jinqiao white wine depot. I rode it about 30 minutes each way to work and it would last me two and a half trips. Had flats in both tires at different points so those are pretty new and just give you all the grip you need. They’ll keep you right on the road there.

Comes with a poncho that’s kind of ripped from this one time a cadre in a black Audi cut me off while running a red light, smoking a stog and talking on a bedazzled cellphone and it was raining and I just fell the fuck over when I tried to avoid t-boning that crusty cadre, just fell right the fuck over when I hit those brakes (srsly true story). It was a bad scene.

Also comes with a high five and a fapiao that is largely illegible because it got rained on. But it’s legit, yo. Would some dickweed who stole your scooter really take all this time to write this ad? Of course not. He’d be too busy stealing other scooters, clubbing baby hairy crabs and planning his next night out at Phebe. Gross dude, c’mon. I’m not that guy.

So what do you say? Email me if you’re into that kind of thing. (No nudes, pls.)

 

 

scooter ad

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