I am often preoccupied with thoughts of Phil. These ruminations fluctuate from nostalgia and regret to bitterness and anger— but mostly, I struggle to understand the ease with which he flippantly smuggled me into and left me alone in the Chinese countryside for the sake of a short-sighted laugh (my success and ultimate affinity for this place and its people notwithstanding). Though perhaps a simple prank gone wrong and something for which he may one day be forgiven, these days I try and focus on the reasons I hate Phil. Here are five of them.
1. His stupid, stupid face.
2. That annoying sound he makes when he laughs.
3. He’s a shameless war-profiteer.
4. He gave me gonorrhea. Long story.
5. He never really understood me.
Update: Phil has reared his butt-shaped head in the comments section below, and I would like to remind you all that he is not to be trusted. I only read the best literature, and he is not as well-intentioned as he might want you to think. And he is definitely the one with the stupid laugh.