Five things I hate about Phil

I am often preoccupied with thoughts of Phil. These ruminations fluctuate from nostalgia and regret to bitterness and anger— but mostly, I struggle to understand the ease with which he flippantly smuggled me into and left me alone in the Chinese countryside for the sake of a short-sighted laugh (my success and ultimate affinity for this place and its people notwithstanding). Though perhaps a simple prank gone wrong and something for which he may one day be forgiven, these days I try and focus on the reasons I hate Phil. Here are five of them.

1. His stupid face.

2. That annoying sound he makes when he laughs.

3. He’s a shameless war-profiteer.

4. He wears cargo shorts.

5. He never really understood me.

Update: Phil has reared his butt-shaped head in the comments section below, and I would like to remind you all that he is not to be trusted. I only read the best literature, and he is not as well-intentioned as he might want you to think. And he is definitely the one with the stupid laugh. 

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13 Responses to Five things I hate about Phil

  1. Phil
    February 28, 2012 at 6:28 am #

    Hey there Rog-
    good to see you’re still as slow-witted as ever. How’s China? Bahahahahahahah!

    Three things people should know about Roger:

    1. He once read “Eat, Pray, Love” and told me it was a “pretty good read”.

    2. He is actually the one with the annoying laugh. Imagine a drunk hyena, then give it a bullhorn.

    3. As far as my leaving him alone in the Chinese countryside is concerned, he was totally asking for it. Also, I didn’t mean to take his passport with me, and when I lost it in Uzbekistan it was a complete accident. I swear.

    • Roger
      February 28, 2012 at 6:31 am #

      Phil-

      None of that is true. I see you’re as deceitful as ever, you son of a dog.

      PS-Your face looks like a butt.

    • Roger's Mom
      March 8, 2012 at 11:02 am #

      Phil, please leave my son alone. He’s a nice boy. Why didn’t you call?

      • Roger
        March 12, 2012 at 3:59 am #

        geez, Ma. Are you trying to embarrass me?

        I’ll call you tomorrow when I get back from running errands for Knox in Ningbo.

  2. Clive
    February 28, 2012 at 7:08 am #

    Settle down, boys, all you do is bicker.

    Rog – scored you those tix to Jack Canfield at the Shanghai lit fest. Don’t forget your spoon.

    • R.A.
      February 28, 2012 at 8:06 am #

      btw, there’s a great reading of “Socrates in Sichuan” at the Chengdu Lit fest coming up next month. be there or be square.

    • Roger
      March 1, 2012 at 2:41 pm #

      For the Soup? Damn i wish i could go. I’m a little hot right now (I had an issue with the Ningbo PSB yesterday. Found some Quaaludesâ„¢ in a credenza, things got loose). Doin fine now, though, just fine.

  3. R.A.
    February 28, 2012 at 8:01 am #

    I remember Roger’s state when i found him outside the old reggae bar. He had fallen into the little pool they had there. I pulled him out, gave him a Hong Mei and well … I don’t know Phil personally except through the effects of his friendship that were clearly marked all over Roger’s body and psyche …

    I hope you can explain yourself someday Phil, if not to us, then to the god you pray to.

    • Roger
      March 1, 2012 at 2:48 pm #

      Phil has no god and prays to no one, save for another bottle of whatever it is that has removed his ability to feel human empathy.

      I wish you ill, Phillip.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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    […] Finally, not a day passes without thought of Phil. These ruminations fluctuate from nostalgia and regret to bitterness and anger— but mostly, I struggle to understand the ease with which he flippantly banished me to this place (my success and ultimate affinity for this place and its people notwithstanding). Though perhaps a simple prank gone wrong and for which he may one day be forgiven, these days I try and focus on the reasons I hate Phil. Here a five of them. […]

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